Overcoming the ‘Separate Self’
I have always been fascinated by spirituality and Eastern philosophy. I read Eckhart Tolle’s ‘Power of Now’ as a teenager, and attended many talks on ‘non-duality’, which spoke a lot about the ‘separate self’, what Tolle refers to as ‘ego’, and which, for me, has always appeared to be what caused most of the suffering in my life.
Being burdened by an ‘ego’ or ‘separate self’ in this way led to a lot of confusion. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy or at peace in myself when everything in my life seemed to be going well. It took me a while to identify that it wasn’t necessarily my surroundings that were the problem, it was me. Or more specifically, it was the voice in my head, which wasn’t, as it turned out, anything to do with ‘me’ at all.
This is where we can bring in more traditional psychology. Alice Miller writes at length about the culture of child rearing and the terrible price children pay to ‘fit in’ with the conditioning of their parents. So few people are not ruled by their conditioned, ‘egoic’ minds, and so will of course inadvertently be passing this message on to their children. It’s no one’s fault, but it is quite clear that it is unavoidable that we will adopt a false self, an egoic identity, which bears no reflection on who we actually are, in order to fit in with the world around us as children.
This is a fantastic survival tool as it allows children to fit in with the demands of the adults around them. They become adaptable, avoiding pain or humiliation as they do what is expected of them, yet it comes at a terrible price. By the time these children reach adulthood, these compliant conditioned ‘selves’ are now almost entirely who they are. Many people are already experiencing symptoms of depression in their early teenage years or even before, as the weight of the world’s expectations crushes the carefree, joyful, expressive self they were before they were told otherwise.
Many clients I see in my private practice have absolutely no idea who they are. They have always been told who they were. They have been moulded, as most of us have been, by the expectations of their parents and teachers, doing things often because this is what they have been told is ‘right’, and not out of any natural expression of their authentic selves. Living in this way is tragic and leads to burnout, stress, anxiety and depression. We live as paper cutouts of ourselves, without any sense of feeling or aliveness. It is like being in a straight jacket. We know something isn’t right but have absolutely no idea how to solve it. Life feels rigid and scripted, with so little freedom. Freedom is what we long for but doesn’t seem possible from within the conditioned mind we have come to know as ‘ourselves’.
True healing is coming to see that the conditioned mind actually has nothing to do with who we are. Quite early on in my own work with a transpersonal therapist, we explored the idea of the ‘false self’ (Winnicott) and this rigid identity I had taken on as a child which is what my therapist believed was the root cause of my suffering. Later on I came to realise this was what some philosophers refer to as ‘ego’, or ‘separate self’. It is like a possessing entity which though it is not who I am, had managed to convince me it was part of myself, presumably because it felt I needed it to survive. That is what they say the ego’s sole purpose is – to survive. And as it knows you inside out, it will use anything it can to convince you of its necessity. I am sure it was this that was responsible for all my old negative self-talk. Trying to convince me I was weak or worthless, or that others didn’t like me or would reject me. My only saving grace was this critical voice, as though it was my biggest tormentor, it also promised me it would keep me safe. Like a desperate child, I believed it.
As I realised, it is impossible to tackle the ego through thinking about it. If we see it as a problem, we are just making it a bigger problem by trying to dissolve or get rid of it. Though I could see it was it responsible for 99% of my suffering, I knew I was powerless to do anything about it. Trying to ‘fix’ or ‘solve’ was just using its own energy against it. It was a vicious cycle.
The ‘cure’ or ‘healing’ is really impossible to talk about. As with all things that aren’t real, like shame, the ego likes to hide in the dark. The healing is in seeing it, or shining a light on it. Yet so many of us are overwhelmed by the frightening feelings that come with this prospect, that we do not venture near. It is only after enough therapy, with a trusted companion holding the torch of awareness alongside us, that we can muster the courage to really look this ‘entity’ directly in the eyes. We must be ready to do this, confident we will not ‘disappear’ without it, as it has tried to convince us will happen for so long, and the time at which this point comes will be different for all of us.
It’s quite interesting how the thing that has caused us so much fear and distress is really just made up of old thought patterns and beliefs. Yet if we believe we are our thoughts, they will of course cause us extreme suffering. If we’ve been told we’re wrong, we’re bad or that we can’t trust ourselves, of course we’re going to feel the negative feelings that come with this. The only way out is for us to dis-identify with our thoughts. It’s to see our thoughts as not being real, as not part of who we are, and so we can choose whether we listen to them or not.
This is where other practices can help. While psychotherapy can explore the particular style of conditioning we were exposed to and work to reverse this, meditation can assist in helping to quieten the mind and put some more distance between ourselves and our thoughts – giving the opportunity for consciousness or awareness (our true nature) to reveal itself. In addition to this, I often do somatic work with my clients, drawing their attention to their physical body, which can bring them in touch with the here and now and give them the courage to stay with all of what they are experiencing.
Coming to realise we are not who we thought we were is a daunting prospect. Dis-identification with the separate self is not easy in a society which is run on this assumption that this is who we are. There is a very strong internal resistance to change, or to seeing through the illusion of separateness. This of course dates back to our early childhood. There is a lot of anger, sadness and grief that comes with seeing we were robbed of our true natures. This has of course been repressed, but as Bessel van der Kolk and Gabor Mate say much about, the impact of trauma and emotional repression is always stored in our bodies. Ignoring or forgetting something does not make it go away. Without acknowledging what happened to us and how we were conditioned and moulded by a sick society, the dis-ease will show up in other ways. As low mood, lack of motivation, mild depression or physical illnesses like tension headaches. It is only in seeing the truth of what ‘went wrong’ with us that we can put it right. We must therefore have the courage to explore our early years, in the presence of another who has done this work before us, to see what happened, and recognise the tragic choice we were forced to make – the choice to separate from who we are.
We do not need the ‘separate self’ to function. This is part of the lie. There is a fear in people that without this rigid conditioned egoic self there would be anarchy or chaos. It is not true. It is a trick of the separate self to maintain its position and authority.
It’s not easy work reversing the illusion of separateness, particularly where it seems to be the ‘norm’ in society, yet this is the work of transpersonal therapists. It is in speaking to our clients’ healthy, authentic self that we may give them space to grow. Having walked this path ourselves, we can give them the courage and confidence to know that it is safe. We can hold them as they explore all the resistance that will inevitably arise to what the ego will see as a challenge to their survival, and continue to be a port in the storm as they undergo this powerful and profound internal healing. This is the true gift of therapy.